"C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E", no I am not singing it, just making one

On Friday night we set out to have a campfire on the back porch. It was the first of the brisk evenings to come, as we each needed a sweatshirt to remain comfortable. We snuggled with blankets too, but that was really just for effect. Bob always lights the fires, I suppose it's a guy thing; like the grill firing & taking out the trash. It was an unusual situation, as Bob couldn't get it to catch. Hmmm, that's odd...it always comes easily for him. He left to go pick up Ellie at a friends' house, so I, not wanting to sit idly looking at unlit logs and feeling the newfound chill in the air, decided to try my hand at fire building. I know how to do it, leaving space between the logs, tucking in the kindling, and wadding up what little newspaper I could scrounge up underneath for good measure. The two younger kids were doubting me. Although neither of them verbalized it, they knew this was Dad's business. So a light here, a flicker there and to all of our amazement- it lit! Within minutes, we had a spectacular fire ablaze. I was noticeably pleased with myself. Sam, as if sensing my near smug sentiment, said,"Wow Mom, that's a pretty good fire. You just did something better than Dad!" I will downplay his utter astonishment here, so as not to belabor the point. You get the idea. I was oddly pleased with my accomplishment.

The fire did really well that evening, but you probably figured that I was bound to say that.
　

As I unwrapped my legs from the plush blanket in which they were wrapped, I carefully placed my wine glass on the ledge so as to not waste any of the precious potion it contained. I rose to stoke the fire. I poked and prodded. I shoved it and tossed the warm embers over the part of the log that had to yet to be ignited. Another part of the dingy log crumbled in pieces as it simmered. I carefully placed a fresh log at an unusual angle, calculating the best opportunity for it's position in my new project. It was divine.

At that moment it occurred to me that this fire is like a marriage. It starts out hot and quick. You crowd it, maybe even get too close because you can't soak up enough of it's warmth. You think it's going to blaze like that always. You feel the heat and although it's intoxicating, sometimes you have to step back to feel the cool air again. You know that you need it and it needs you. It's pretty stable and reliable after it settles. The paper and kindling are gone now, and the quick hot flash has stabilized. At this point, it can sustain itself using it's own devices. You begin to relax as you are now accustomed to the even and mesmerizing flame. But if you continue to sit back and you don't stoke it and tend it, the fire will flicker and maybe even extinguish. So you push the deep warm coals which have settled to the bottom a bit and you recognize their importance. If you push them, they will turn reddish and might even have the strength to light a new log that you have carefully positioned on top. After tending the magnificent creation, you return to your seat and bask in it's glory.

I hope to make some time to write about my experiences last week while visiting the two local law schools. Thanks for reading!
　

Law school at my age...? Really?!

Hard to believe that tomorrow I will take a tiny step toward deciding if law school is in fact in my future. I have an appointment to visit a first year class at Widener Law School and then take a tour of the campus. Yikes! Ought to be a short tour, as I think there are only about well, two buildings! That is ok, as I am most looking to get a feel for the class. I need to ask myself if I can actually do this. Is it finally the right time to pursue something I have wanted to do since I was 6 years old? In second grade I wanted to be the Attorney General of the United States. Pretty funny, really, because it was the 70s, so I probably heard that title in the news, with Watergate and all the other government stuff that was happening at the time. I didn't know much back then about the job, other than they "prosecute federal cases," which I suppose is a mouthful for a 7 year old. At any rate, my desire for a legal career waxed and waned over time. I remember my high school debate class with Mrs. Franchois at C.B.West. That class was probably as difficult as any course of my first two years of undergraduate-she was relentless. I did learn so much about debate, how to prepare, how to think on my feet, as well as weird stuff like Roberts Rules of Order, which I never, ever thought would apply to my life. (I was wrong about that, by the way.) What I remember most about that class is the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach when it was my turn, not in a nervous holy crap kind of way, but in a wow its my turn and I am on now kind of way. I enjoyed the challenge of the quick pull out the card I remember a fact on that, and being able to (usually) pull it together to make a rebuttal work. I learned in that class that I could perform under pressure and speak passionately even if the opinion wasn't in alignment with mine, but the facts supported the point. I suppose she is one of those teachers I ought to look up and thank, as that class most definitely shaped my future in many ways.

I can't say I regret not going to law school as a 25 year old, as obviously my life would have turned out differently if I had done it then, and I have a pretty great life now as a 42 year old, as trite as that sounds. I am an intense person who is hard to stop once I become passionate about something, so I feel like if it is finally the right time, (oh and don't forget the minor point of actually getting in!), then I think I can do it. I have to know it is the right time as it will change our family lifestyle if the answer is yes to begin pursuing it. I recognize that a lot of the busy work that I do now will have to end. I think I am cool with most of that, as much of it is stuff I have been trying to ditch for a long time, but either didn't have the heart to, or didn't know how to. I hope that I am not just looking for something more important to say to people when I tell them no... I mean  now I just say, "Uh, no I can't do that." Long pause. Then after they ask again, I repeat, "Nope, not gonna do it." (insert Larry the Cucumber voice here. If you don't know who he is, Google him.)* If I was going to law school, I could say to people, "Nope, not going to do that. I am going to law school." Sounds alot more important than, "I can't help you because I have a date with my dirty laundry...," but don't worry, I know that isn't a good enough reason to go to law school- it has to be for me. I can't do this for anyone else but me. That is a new thing, the just  for me part, as my life decisions have focused nearly entirely on our family for the past 15 or so years. Doing something for me... hmmmm... I like how that sounds.

Good news too, when I looked over the course descriptions listing for the law school, I was wowed over about 75 % of the classes. The ones I didn't get excited about were taxes, estate planning, wills, and that sort of stuff. I have always gotten excited about Constitutional law, which was one of my most favorite (and most challenging) classes at Temple University as an undergrad. I remember just being enthralled by the decisions and the discussions were the kind I always imagined would take place at college. It was a tremendous amount of reading and writing, but I remember loving it. That's got to be a good thing.

Finally, I need to assess if I want to be a lawyer. Is this a means to an end for me? I am sure there will be value in the learning, but its going to take a lot of perseverance and fortitude to get through it. Do I want the job of being a lawyer, as in do I want to perform the day to day? While certainly a competitive person, I don't see myself at this stage in my life competing with fellow students (read: 20-somethings!) for a high powered corporate attorney position. I see myself in some capacity working essentially for myself. The nine-to-five do what someone tells me to gig would be really hard to go back to at this point. So, the idea of doing this in my way, on my terms, is alluring. I am not sure how realistic that is; I guess I do need more research. If the job I really want is say, a politician (just an example- I know, what a stretch, huh?!), then law school might not be a necessary path to take. I need to make sure I cover those bases before I make the decision of whether or not to go.

One thing is certain: I want to actually make the decision. I don't want to have my inactivity be the decision. I don't want to wake up in 5 years and ask myself why I didn't do this years before. I want to make sure its the right thing at the right time, and I need to know that I turned over the necessary stones to know I actually decided, even if I ultimately decide that its not for me. Tomorrow I will begin the job of turning the first stone.

* Ok, my confession: Those who know me personally know that this is well, sort of bullshit. I rarely say no when asked to do things. I think this is a bit of fantasy on my part- that I would say that if I could. I do like the idea of using Larry's voice to tell people NO. It would certainly divert the attention away from me, since he is a talking cucumber and all. Indulge me a bit on this fantasy thing, it is, afterall, my blog, right?

what is this blog about anyway...?

In trying to figure out how to go about this blog business, I have decided to just have at it. Friends who read blogs told me I should blog, that I would love it and others would love to read my stuff. I continued to hesitate. I wondered (like most people I suppose) who would care about what I have to say or what I think...?  This recently reminded me of a conversation I had several years ago with Patriot News Editor, Nancy Eshelman, who was my instructor at a graduate Journalism class. At the end of the News Writing class, she asked me to become a 'stringer' and write feature pieces for the local newspaper. I was stunned- who would care what I have to say? Why would anyone read my opinion? She replied by saying that all feature columnists start out feeling that way, but after some writing, people start to comment and it just goes from there. She told me that I was an interesting story teller- people liked to listen to me- and that I had a gift for writing. I was flattered and loved the challenge to try something new. I did have one story published, and stopped after that, as I was quite pregnant with my first child and unfortunately, sick. I had forgotten about this conversation until recently. While on the beach reading the book, The Girls from Ames, I realized that I could have written a similar book about the long-standing relationships that have been a part of my life, as well as those which have come and gone. I have learned so much over the past few years using, of all things, Facebook, as I have delved into a whole new culture of friendships that have had a rebirth as a result of that social media. I think I have several chapters of that book mapped in my mind. More on that later.

Why writing? I started writing notes to myself in June of 2009 when it hit me (like the proverbial ton of bricks!) that I was having some personal issues with the direction my life was heading. Only adding to these journalesque writings, I never delete or edit what I have written, as it has served as a slice of how I felt at the time. Much of it written in the stream of consciousness style, to date, I have almost 200 pages in Word, which have only been shared with my therapist. Some others close to me have read certain excerpts, but mainly its quite private. This cathartic experience has documented my feelings over the past year or so, good and bad. Don't worry, I won't be sharing that, and I certainly wouldn't publish it in its current un-edited state. I have learned through this experience, however, that writing is a terrific way for me to work through all kinds of issues. My therapist says I am 'prolific'- I think that might be a nice way of saying long-winded. I think I like writing almost as much as talking...

At any rate, I found myself thinking more about writing a book I have been thinking about for many years. I never really thought I would actually write it, as I thought that non-fiction books had to glean something... there had to be some expert view or something for it to teach others, so I didn't think my ideas fit the bill. In speaking with many people over the past year, however, I have learned that this is not the case, that perhaps the journey and (maybe more importantly) knowing you are not alone on this journey is a worthwhile endeavor to share. Whether or not these thoughts will ever make it into a book format remains to be seen. I hope to expound on these topics in this forum as possible.

So here is kind of an introduction. I currently plan to write about the 'transition' in which I have found myself. This is the jouney that I mentioned above. I have been working through where I am now- my kids no longer need me to stay alive- but need me in other new ways. I have been searching for meaning outside the world I have created in my current network of family and friends. Maybe its a mid-life crisis plain and simple, I don't know for sure. Anyhow, I have been on a journey and hope to shed some light on this as I have found so many others who can relate to these issues as our lives have turned a new corner. This is not just about women either, by the way. Men, as husbands or as Dads are going through transitions in this early 40s stage, although I have read that their midlife crises tend to hit more in the mid 50s... I bet you can benefit from these discussions whether you are a man or a woman. I hope so.

Finally, (I know, no way!) I am new to the whole blog scene. I don't want to filter myself so much that I lose that genuine sense of myself, but I don't want to upset or hurt anyone inadvertantly either. That is not what this is about. I will also try not to swear, which is really hard for me. I write like I talk, so be prepared for that... I hope its enjoyable for us both. Thanks for reading. :)

the very first one

Ok, so after much thought and deliberation, it has begun. I have been told by friends that I should be blogging. I actually created this tonite, by accident. I was reading an old friend's blog and found myself creating this. It will be more interesting in the future. Tonite is about getting this to show up and actually be visible. Content will come later... so, welcome to my blog. Bah ha ha.